Something’s Got To Give
What a way to start the day: bawling my eyes out till they blew up to unrecognizable proportions. Not only did I look like fucking shit this morning but I absolutely felt like fucking shit.
Last night was perhaps the worst day of my life because the person that I love and hold so dear has finally admitted that we shall move on with our lives from here on. Actually, this person had already broken up with me months ago and, being the persistent person that I am, I just couldn’t move on and wanted so much to make things work.
I know the distance had made all this unbearable because I know this much that if I was only back home it would have been fine. The thing is, the distance is very real and I know for a fact that it would never go away because I have made this decision and I (even in this bleak existence of mine) do not regret it.
The tragedy of it all began when I’ve realized that even though the possibility of it to work is so great (because I can feel that there is something between us still that could be salvaged), that it would never ever work if one does not forgive each other’s faults. And as much as I want to make it work, I cannot do it on my own. My world crashed when I’ve realized that the only thing that’s stopping us from getting back together are her fears and that nothing I say or do will ever change that.
It’s frustrating because all that went wrong is on my shoulders. I am being blamed for something that comes so naturally to me and something that I do with very good, honest, and innocent intentions. The fact that those intentions are not being accounted for is what makes it even more tragic. Every move I make and every word I say has been misconstrued to resemble a monster. I am the monster; and the more she pushes this, the more I hate myself for hating myself for even believing in the stupid crap she imposes on me. But I know, in this broken heart of mine, that I’m being wrongfully accused.
It would’ve been easier if I was guilty because at least I’d know I was wrong and I know that it was my fault. But I cannot help it if the jealousy seeps in and if the distance feeds this jealousy. Why must I be the one to take the fall? Why must I be the one to have fingers pointed at her? Why must I die for this?
The only thing I need right now is to disappear. I never wanted to vanish from the face of the Earth as much as I’m wanting it now. I want to be gone and be forgotten. I want to fade in the background and dissolve into nothing. I don’t want to die but I don’t want to live either. I want to run aimlessly, not knowing where my legs will take me. I want to just go and go and go because I know damn well there is nothing left for me to live for. I can feel the push of the tide. I can feel the momentum take me over. But that’s just it. I am floating without direction, without purpose, without all the passion that once burned so strongly within me.
