Nineteen
Is the number of days I have been unemployed.
As for stress-related sleeping (or should I say non-sleeping?) patterns, I had lost count. When will my life go back to being normal?
I have to say that I miss the routine. There was a bit of comfort knowing that I had something to do everyday and that there was a paycheck waiting for me at the end of the month. I took comfort in knowing that I had money to try and save (even though I failed to) and that a little bit of sacrifice (like eating one meal a day) was only going to take me a week. This time, however, the prospects of the great expanse of weeks to come have been very daunting. Even Sunday, which is tomorrow, is a day that feels so far removed from my life right now that just focusing on today is all I could muster my energy on. The coming week is a blackhole and a dark alley all at the same time – there is a pull (of time moving forward) and fear (of thugs or plain stupidity) that makes me dread anything that is beyond the next hour.
I feel depressed, true. And as long as I remain unemployed and with no way of obtaining money, I will be depressed for as long as it takes me to land a job. This time is also the time where future plans are halted and relationships stunted.
—–
Is the age of the person I have come to know, admire, and enjoy the company of.
Fate is what brought us together. A mix of coincidences have paved the way for our paths to cross. Yes, maybe I have done a little push but it was all at the right time and at the right moment; never premature or assuming.
To have this person in my life right now is all too ethereal.
I want security and stability to be able to pursue this budding relationship, both of which I do not have right now and never know when I’ll be having. I met this person just a mere six days shy for when I was finally laid off and as much as it was an embarrassment, I believe there are no accidents. Which brings me to conclude that, everything has a purpose and that her timing was just what I needed.
I know it doesn’t make much sense but to have met this person now, at the most trying time of my life is a breath of fresh air. And how does a person, who’s three years less experienced as I am, give out so much insight and thought-provoking statements that it leads me to evaluate myself? This person is both brutally honest and heartwarmingly sincere and this balance of the two is enough to kick me hard on the balls (if I had one) and enough to keep my head afloat.
I don’t know when I will land a job. I don’t know if this newfound friendship is going to be more than just casual. I don’t know if a failure of either one is going to be a failure of both. I don’t know a lot of things and I’m scared of the uncertainty and the vast expanse of WhatCouldBes and WhatIfs.
I’m scared shitless, I really am. I have my tail tucked between my legs in fear. I am bracing myself for when the ride gives off steam and I plummet down to the Earth. I am…
…just fucking tired already.
